Failed Parenting Chronicles: Patience
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I know so many good mothers. Mothers who know just how to handle their children in a loving way, who never yell and can diffuse a tantrum in a matter of seconds.
I am not one of those mothers. I struggle to maintain patience. I try to justify my loss of patience by assuring myself that my child is harder than every other child. I still believe that, but that doesn't make my child "deserve" it.
Yesterday Jackson refused to put on a coat in the YMCA parking lot. Battle ensued. This morning Jackson refused to put on his socks. Battle ensued. He refused to go to the bathroom before leaving. Battle ensued. He wouldn't eat his breakfast. He tried to wear 2 year old shoes. He would refused to let me comb his hair. He screamed at me when I turned on the radio instead of "his" music. The list goes on, and my patience is wearing thin just writing this.
I guess what I'm saying is, there has to be a better way. In the end, he did everything I said, but not without threats, angry looks and lots of yelling (from him...okay from both of us)
How do you handle defiant children? How do you stay calm when every thing inside of you wants to scream some sense into your children? I have read book after book and I just can't seem to get it together enough to implement anything consistently.
The only thing that really works for us is giving notice for what comes next. If he knows he doesn't have to go to the bathroom right now, but that after playing for 10 minutes he will have to, it seems to go over more smoothly. But I can't prep him for every little thing ('...and then we will get our socks on...') and if the smallest thing goes awry, it's like the world just ended.
January always makes me feel renewed and motivated to make my life better. I've started to eat better, exercise, and I just organized every toy in our house. So I am also going to try to improve my patience as well.
My only saving grace is that my earliest memory is of when I was 4. So maybe I haven't caused irreparable damages yet. At least not ones he will remember.
January 20, 2010 at 7:27 PM
Man, how I wish we lived closer. We could yell at our boys together. Even as I write this I am exhausted from battling with Logan over who gets to wash the shampoo from his hair.
Are you guys still moving to New Jersey? If not, we may be in Wisconsin in June and it would be fun to see you!
January 20, 2010 at 8:01 PM
I think the first child is super stubborn to make it easy for the rest of your kids. I have sooo much more patience for the crazy things Kate does than I do for anything Annie does. Give yourself a break- we all have our bad moments as mothers- I seem to have more bad moments than good. But I do think that I am getting better with time and eventually will figure out how to be a good mother. I'm with you- I don't remember much until I was about 4 or maybe even 5- so my clock is starting with Annie, but you have a few more guilt free years.
AND if it is worth anything- I think you are an AMAZING mom and love your insights on your blog. But that is coming from a self-described "bad mom." :)
January 21, 2010 at 6:44 AM
That sounds no fun! I don't have much advice for you other than thankfully this will just be a phase and in a few months (fingers crossed!) he'll be out of it. That's the only way I can get through Jack's difficult periods!
January 21, 2010 at 9:42 PM
When you figure it out please let me know! Austin is about as stubborn as they come. He frustrates me daily...hourly in fact! Hang in there. I know you are a great mom and he will turn a corner sooner or later!
January 22, 2010 at 7:34 AM
You ARE a wonderful mom.
Jackson is a sweet, loving, bright, and compassionate little boy.
The dreaded "contest of wills" is always unpleasant, and can become a habit. Don't let it define your relationship with him. You share so many good times. Winter is hard on kids--they're a little cooped up and need more large motor activities. Spring will come! Jackson will grow and mature, and this will be history.
One little trick I learned was not to use the child's name over and over. Hearing his name is kind of a reward. Only say his name for something positive, like "Thank you, Jackson, for putting on your shoes all by yourself."
Also know that all moms have difficulties...there are no perfect kids out there!
January 22, 2010 at 12:01 PM
It's so nice to hear that I'm not the only one with difficulties. The other day Amelia wouldn't put on her shoes. So I said she could either put them on or carry them. It took her two seconds on the cold cement to put her boots on. I know you've read books and are probably more knowledgeable than me, but I try 1. To give her choices in a sneaky way that I am happy with whatever she chooses. And she feels powerful. 2. Let the consequence do the teaching. If she doesn't eat her meal, she goes hungry. And stick to it! 3. Reinforce any little positive deed so she learns that positive behavior is rewarding and worth repeating.
You are so patient with your kids and are doing a wonderful job, though you may not see it!
January 23, 2010 at 8:23 AM
My sister-in-law has one very defiant daughter and one that can be defiant at times. They are 7 and 5 respectively. She has two methods which I love!
First off, she gives them choices. Like, "Put on your shoes or you can go to time out." Now like most kids, they would much rather put on their shoes than go to time out. However, they have a sense of control over what happens. They can make the choice. But if they don't put on their shoes, they chose to go to time out. If they through a fit, she tells them, "I'm sorry that you chose to go to time out rather than put on your shoes."
The other thing that she has started is the Naughty Sauce. When the girls start talking back or throwing a fit/tantrum, they get a drop of tabasco sauce on their tongue. It's a bit of a reality check for them. It works amazing! (You can also use vinegar, mustard or anything else that's really gross, tabasco might be a little strong for Jackson.)
Anyway, We have been watching her girls for the past few days and these methods have been really useful for me when they have tested the waters or tried to challenge my authority. I can tell you it works!
January 23, 2010 at 11:25 PM
Heidi, I think you are too hard on yourself. I am amazed by your patience and your creativity. You think of things to diffuse situations that I would never have thought of. Jackson is extremely smart, loveable, sweet, adorable, gets so excited about things, is so good for other people and is full of lots of energy. I had so much fun talking to him on the phone today.
I remember one time years ago, I was talking to a friend telling her that I thought I wasn't patient enough, etc. and she said to think of all the mothers out there and that we (she and I) were probably more patient and loving than most of them. For some reason that has always stuck with me. So try to pat yourself on the back for all the good things that you do. This is a stage that he is going through and I bet he will soon grow out of it.