"Mooooooom! Mooooooooooooooooooooom!!!!! There is a HUGE black animal in the backyard!"

I was terrified. Stray dog? Coyote? Bear? I had no idea what to expect.

And now looking back, maybe a bear wouldn't be so bad.

But no. Those black animals were wild turkeys.

At first I was amazed by the turkeys. They were large, at least 30 pounds each and they were so elegant strutting around the outside of the house. The first thing the kids did each morning was stare out the window looking for the turkeys. Each time they would see them the house was a flurry of activity as the kids ran from window to window to watch them. I was amazed at the wildlife in our own backyard.

Then the wildlife got a little up close and personal.

Once while we were outside with the Turkeys, we noticed that they would come near you if they saw you, even if you were far away. When walking home from the bus stop one day, the turkeys crossed the street to where we were. I had to wave and yell at them so that the kids could make it inside the house. Another time a turkey chased Jackson into the garage as he ran away. Bennett was down in his room for a nap and came upstairs crying to say a Turkey was standing outside his window pecking at it. A neighbor stopped me to tell me that the Turkeys had attacked our mailman. These were not normal wild turkeys. They were NOT afraid of humans.

Jackson refused to walk home from the bus stop. I was now driving a block and a half to protect him from the Turkeys. I even called the District to see if they could move the stop in front of our house. No luck. I guess "Turkey Harassment" isn't in their handbook.

I used all my resources to get rid of these turkeys. I called the police. I called the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources. I called our County animal control. I finally got a hold of a peace officer. He said he would try to safely "eliminate" them, but admitted that there was little chance of doing so.

The advice I got was to torment the turkeys. Show them you are at the top of the pecking order. Hit them with snowballs. Spray them with water. Whack them with the broom. Yell at them. Then in May I could get a license at shoot them with a bow and arrow.

So lets say I am brave enough to throw snowballs and whack these turkeys with my broom (which I'm not) and lets say I have a bow and arrow (I don't) and shoot these turkeys (which I won't). What then? Throw them in the garbage? Fix them up for Sunday dinner? Might as well start saving for my children's future therapy with that little stunt.

So I guess for now the turkeys are winning. They are at the top of the pecking order. And I will remain a cowering human safely inside my home or car praying that someone else takes care of the problem. But just in case I'm feeling brave, I'll leave the broom by the back door. Maybe the sight of the broom alone will intimidate them.

I will offer a free turkey dinner to anyone who wants to come "take care" of the problem.

But I will not pay for your therapy.